Thinking back to Ben's birth

It is 13 days until my baby's 2nd birthday, and someday I really will need to stop calling him my baby.  I look back at this photo taken 2 years ago when I was 37 weeks pregnant and I know that I had no clue what I was in for:

Liam was 19 months old and I was sure that my intelligent and sensitive toddler was completely normal; I didn't even know the word neurotypical.  I was confident that the baby boy I was carrying would be easier than his big brother; I couldn't fathom a newborn being more high needs than Liam (who didn't nap without being held until 4 months old and woke up to 8 times a night until he was nearly a year old).  I was terrified about having two under two, but knew people survived it all the time.  My good friend, Emma, warned me the first two years would be miserable but then I would see the benefits.  was even wrong about Ben's birth.  After Liam's emergency c-section, I thought I would escape any drama with a scheduled c-section for Ben.

The birth is what should have clued me in about how wrong I was about everything.  Unlike my pregnancy with Liam when I felt awful, I felt amazing as I headed into the hospital and even told Dave "Can I just stay pregnant a little while yet?"  As the nurse searched for Ben's heartrate and I felt him moving like a madman inside me, I laughed about how active he was.  When the monitor alarms started going off during the contractions I was having, I assured the nurse who looked paniced that Ben had likely just moved off the heartrate monitor.  Then I contracted again and his heartrate dipped further, and the nurse ran off to get Bretherine.  I was waiting for an operating room as there had been several unscheduled sections that night, so I was shocked as they rushed me into a room.   Dave wasn't even in the room when they started cutting.  My OB knew I was terrified after never hearing Liam cry, and he kept telling us that Ben wouldn't cry until they cleared his mouth. 

They got one shoulder out when the screaming started, and it was the sweetest sound I ever heard.  Even knowing now how much I'd hear Ben cry in the future, I still cry tears of happiness thinking about that sound.

They were cleaning him up and his head kept bleeding.  I saw the nurses cluster together and I kept thinking "But he is crying so everything will be okay."  They told us Ben would need to go to the NICU to have the area looked at, and I said good-bye to him and Dave. 

(you can see the spot; it bleed for about a week and then became covered in pus and healed entirely after 4 weeks. That area now has scar tissue and no hair)

Ben was born sometime after 7am, and I remember it reaching 11am and I was still in the recovery room.  I kept asking where Ben was and where Dave was.  I didn't know that Dave was looking for me and not expecting me to still be in recovery.  I still don't know why I was kept for so long.  I got to the room around 11:30am to find out playgroup friends were already looking for me.  Dave was there and assured me that Ben was fine and had already been discharged ffrom the NICU but was off to get an x-ray of his school. 

Sometime after 12pm, I got to hold my baby boy 5 hours after he was born; this was much better than waiting 2 days like I did with Liam.

Finally together!  Taken within an hour of me meeting Ben by a playgroup friend.

Ben took to nursing right away and seemed like such a peaceful baby.  We had no clue about the rollercoaster we were about to go on.

He was nearly the sane size as Liam; 20.5 inches tall and 7 pounds 5 ounces, though he lost 13 ounces while we waited for my milk to come in.  His lowest weight was 6 pounds 8 ounces, but he was back to 6 pounds 13 ounces at discharge  With a 32 pound monster toddler at home, he seemed so tiny.

His head issue meant that he needed an x-ray which was inconclusive and then an MRI.  The MRI was normal, but it was recommended he see a geneticist (which he did at 5 months) to discuss possible genetic issues.  We were told to keep an eye on his development before 3 years old and bring him back in if he showed any delays.  We moved before his current delays came up, which is why he didn't go back.

We came home, and other than trouble healing from my c-section and the fact Ben would only sleep in bed with me, it seemed like handling 2 under 2 wouldn't be so bad.

(just home from the hospital)

Two years later and done having babies, I wonder what I could have done differently.  Would there be any way to prevent heart decelerations during contractions and why did both boys have them?  Why couldn't my babies tolerate labor?  Would there be anything that would have help my healing take so long?  Two years later, my c-section scar still hurts and I can feel little bumps on the right side where I got fluid collections twice (and where the cutting started during Liam's emergency c-section...he was out less than 3 minutes after the first cut).  If I had a third baby would I get to hold it sooner?  I have to think it is probably good I stopped at 2 kids, as my body clearly doesn't handle birth and c-sections well and my babies don't tolerate labor.