Thinking back to Ben's birth

It is 13 days until my baby's 2nd birthday, and someday I really will need to stop calling him my baby.  I look back at this photo taken 2 years ago when I was 37 weeks pregnant and I know that I had no clue what I was in for:

Liam was 19 months old and I was sure that my intelligent and sensitive toddler was completely normal; I didn't even know the word neurotypical.  I was confident that the baby boy I was carrying would be easier than his big brother; I couldn't fathom a newborn being more high needs than Liam (who didn't nap without being held until 4 months old and woke up to 8 times a night until he was nearly a year old).  I was terrified about having two under two, but knew people survived it all the time.  My good friend, Emma, warned me the first two years would be miserable but then I would see the benefits.  was even wrong about Ben's birth.  After Liam's emergency c-section, I thought I would escape any drama with a scheduled c-section for Ben.

The birth is what should have clued me in about how wrong I was about everything.  Unlike my pregnancy with Liam when I felt awful, I felt amazing as I headed into the hospital and even told Dave "Can I just stay pregnant a little while yet?"  As the nurse searched for Ben's heartrate and I felt him moving like a madman inside me, I laughed about how active he was.  When the monitor alarms started going off during the contractions I was having, I assured the nurse who looked paniced that Ben had likely just moved off the heartrate monitor.  Then I contracted again and his heartrate dipped further, and the nurse ran off to get Bretherine.  I was waiting for an operating room as there had been several unscheduled sections that night, so I was shocked as they rushed me into a room.   Dave wasn't even in the room when they started cutting.  My OB knew I was terrified after never hearing Liam cry, and he kept telling us that Ben wouldn't cry until they cleared his mouth. 

They got one shoulder out when the screaming started, and it was the sweetest sound I ever heard.  Even knowing now how much I'd hear Ben cry in the future, I still cry tears of happiness thinking about that sound.

They were cleaning him up and his head kept bleeding.  I saw the nurses cluster together and I kept thinking "But he is crying so everything will be okay."  They told us Ben would need to go to the NICU to have the area looked at, and I said good-bye to him and Dave. 

(you can see the spot; it bleed for about a week and then became covered in pus and healed entirely after 4 weeks. That area now has scar tissue and no hair)

Ben was born sometime after 7am, and I remember it reaching 11am and I was still in the recovery room.  I kept asking where Ben was and where Dave was.  I didn't know that Dave was looking for me and not expecting me to still be in recovery.  I still don't know why I was kept for so long.  I got to the room around 11:30am to find out playgroup friends were already looking for me.  Dave was there and assured me that Ben was fine and had already been discharged ffrom the NICU but was off to get an x-ray of his school. 

Sometime after 12pm, I got to hold my baby boy 5 hours after he was born; this was much better than waiting 2 days like I did with Liam.

Finally together!  Taken within an hour of me meeting Ben by a playgroup friend.

Ben took to nursing right away and seemed like such a peaceful baby.  We had no clue about the rollercoaster we were about to go on.

He was nearly the sane size as Liam; 20.5 inches tall and 7 pounds 5 ounces, though he lost 13 ounces while we waited for my milk to come in.  His lowest weight was 6 pounds 8 ounces, but he was back to 6 pounds 13 ounces at discharge  With a 32 pound monster toddler at home, he seemed so tiny.

His head issue meant that he needed an x-ray which was inconclusive and then an MRI.  The MRI was normal, but it was recommended he see a geneticist (which he did at 5 months) to discuss possible genetic issues.  We were told to keep an eye on his development before 3 years old and bring him back in if he showed any delays.  We moved before his current delays came up, which is why he didn't go back.

We came home, and other than trouble healing from my c-section and the fact Ben would only sleep in bed with me, it seemed like handling 2 under 2 wouldn't be so bad.

(just home from the hospital)

Two years later and done having babies, I wonder what I could have done differently.  Would there be any way to prevent heart decelerations during contractions and why did both boys have them?  Why couldn't my babies tolerate labor?  Would there be anything that would have help my healing take so long?  Two years later, my c-section scar still hurts and I can feel little bumps on the right side where I got fluid collections twice (and where the cutting started during Liam's emergency c-section...he was out less than 3 minutes after the first cut).  If I had a third baby would I get to hold it sooner?  I have to think it is probably good I stopped at 2 kids, as my body clearly doesn't handle birth and c-sections well and my babies don't tolerate labor.

19.5 months

Liam was exactly 19.5 months when Ben was born.  These are some pictures my sister-in-law Michele took of him while I was in the hosital having Ben.

He looks so happy, so chubby (look at those chubby legs and that size 5 diaper), and like he has so much hair!  He also looks so much like a baby still, and he very much was.  He had maybe 20 words, but rarely used words at all except to label things.  Today Ben is 19.5 months; he has much less hair, is about 10 pounds thinner and 3 inches shorter (wears a diaper a size smaller and clothing 3 sizes smaller).  Ben has 100 words or so, frequently uses them to request demand things.  As much as Liam seemed like a baby when Ben was born, Ben seems even younger to me now.  The pictures are bittersweet because back then I had no concerns about Liam's development and every hope that Ben would be an easier baby than Liam was.  Liam and I had no clue how much this guy would change our lives:

It is a good thing that life happened in this order.  Ben's constant crying helped to highlight Liam's auditory defensiveness which is what prompted me to seek help for Liam, and I have a feeling if Liam had remained an only child, he would have gone undiagnosed until school age.  At 19.5 months, Ben is a very difficult and generally unhappy child.  As difficult as it was to nurse Ben while Liam climbed the couch or colored crayons on the wall, it would be much more difficult to nurse a newborn today while carrying Ben and walking circles around the house for 1-2 hours just to quiet the screaming for a bit.  Ben refuses to share Mommy, pushing Liam off my lap or hitting him for trying to talk to me, but Liam has always been a very generous big brother and allowed Ben however much attention Ben wants that day.

Ben is now the same age Liam was when he became a big brother, and I am really glad to never have to experience 2 under 2 again.  In fact, I am certain that after the last 19.5 months, I am done having babies altogether. 

About to graduate from the "Two under Two" club

A week from today, my toddler turns 2 years old, which means I am going to have to stop whining about having "2 under 2." I will still be a member of the baby buncher club, and know that life will continue to be chaotic for the next couple of years.

Reflecting on the last 4.5 months, I have to wonder if I will ever look back upon this time with nostalgia.

Every day I wake up and my only plan is survival. I have managed these last 4 and a half months that way. If I can survive until 7am....if I can make it until 9am.....if I can just hold on until lunch....if I can hold it together during the craziness of putting everyone down for a nap at the same time....if I can survive the constant bouncing and rocking of Ben during Liam's nap....if I can entertain an overtired Liam on days he doesn't nap....if I can make it until Dave gets home...if I can get through dinner....if I can get through bedtime.....if I can just make it through the nighttime when both boys are awake and the cats are yowling. Then it repeats.

We have all survived these four months, but life is about more than survival, isn't it?

Ben has reflux. He spent his first two months screaming for 7 to 8 hours a day. It didn't matter what I did, he screamed, but putting him down was never an option. Those first two months were a haze of nursing, babywearing, and constant swaying. Finally, he got a reflux diagnosis and some medicine. His screaming decreased, but he still doesn't tolerate being put down. He screams when he sees his crib or pack-n-play, he freaks out if he sees the swing, and even now at 5 months, he shows no interest in toys as he just wants to be in my arms always.

As luck would have it, Liam has sensory issues, although we didn't know this until very recently. Ben's screaming completely overwhelms Liam and causes him to meltdown. Sometimes even a happy goo from Ben causes Liam to yell "No, No, NO baybee" while pointing at Ben and grabbing for me to comfort him. I try to remove Ben from Liam's presence when he cries, but Liam hears Ben and seeks me out, which brings him right back to Ben. In those early days, all three of us spent most of our days crying.

By 2 months, we started to develop some routines, and the Zantac helped Ben enough that he wasn't always screaming. That is when I realized that Liam at 21 months hadn't added any new words since 18 months and had pretty much stopped using language altogether. I tried to focus on getting us out of the house more, which was met by Liam's sudden intense fear of leaving the house. If I forced him out into our front yard to play with neighbors, he'd sit on the driveway and scream. A trip to the vitamin store to get Gripe Water from Ben would result in a meltdown. There was the time he screamed for the entire 45 minutes we were at Gymboree and refused to engage.

So I called Alabama's Early Intervention to get an evaluation for Liam. He needs to have a 25% delay to qualify for services and I wasn't sure he would. He was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. He qualifies for occupational therapy to help his sensory issues. He will also get speech therapy as he does have a speech delay (I don't know how much yet as we are still waiting on that evaluation). Speech delays often go hand and hand with sensory issues. What concerns me most are the autism "red flag" behaviors that Liam possesses. These behavior don't mean that Liam has autism or Asperger's or PDD-NOS, but they mean he likely will be evaluated at some point. I am not even sure as I need to talk to his pediatrician at his 2 year well-baby visit next week. Liam's red flag behaviors are toe walking (which we wrote off for months as I do it when cold, tired, or drunk), almost no eye contact (he gives eye contact but not when communicating), obsessive play (he becomes obsessed with a toy or fruit and will want that item exclusively and then move onto a new toy or fruit within a few days), limited communication (he speaks when prompted but not much on his own even though his vocabulary is between 50 and 100 words), and lots of self-stimulating behaviors (jumping and spinning). What mystifies me and Dave is that Liam was ahead on his developmental milestones until about 12 months. He didn't really seem to fall behind until Ben was born.

This is where my Mommy guilt enters. Would Ben cry so much if I weren't always interrupting a nursing session to grab Liam as he is about to leap off the back of the couch (since he doesn't respond to verbal direction)? Would Ben's reflux be more under control if I had more time to research it? Would Liam's language be more advanced if I had time to work with him instead of always nursing Ben and trying to keep him calm? Would I have gotten Liam assessed earlier if I weren't so tied up in Ben's reflux?

I try my best to balance both of their needs, but too often Liam is wearing a diaper that is sagging low from being way too full and overdue for a change. Liam ends up watching way more TV than I ever wanted him to. Ben ends up crying while I go through Liam's regimented nap routine because if I change anything he won't nap (and he sleeps too little as it is).

Maybe I expected too much of having 2 under 2 or maybe I am having a rougher time than most moms of 2 "twiblings" (siblings less than 2 years apart per http://www.babybunching.com/). I knew the first two years would be rough, but eventually they'll be great friends and all my hard work will pay off. When I can barely keep them both in the same room without them making each other cry, it is hard to see that. I enjoy both of my boys, but am not enjoying them together.

Today I have wonderful memories of playing with Liam and having him hold my face against his as I cuddled him before his nap. I have wonderful memories of smelling the top of Ben's head while rocking him to sleep and having him giggle while I kissed his neck. What I don't have is any happy memories of interacting with them at the same time because while Liam was pressing his sweet face to mine, his brother was loudly fussing. While Ben while giggling with joy at my kisses, Liam was whining and pulling on my shirt.

What did I learn about having two babies under the age of two? I learned that babywearing is even more essential than it was with just one high needs baby. I learned the true meaning of multitasking as I can nurse Ben while lifting Liam into his booster seat and making his lunch. I learned that you can survive on 4-6 hours of sleep for months in a row. I learned how to ask for help from others and that I have wonderful friends and neighbors. I learned who my true friends were as I watched some people fade into the background as they were too uncomfortable in the messiness of my chaotic life. I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought myself capable of being and that I can keep going for my children even when I don't have the energy to comb my hair.

I also learned that the challenges and the fun are just beginning.

Baby Bunching: 10 baby bunching basics

Baby Bunching: 10 baby bunching basics: "http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00e54eee97d7883301156f1a57fc970c"

If my perception is 20/20, can I have glasses?

Perception about your children is a funny thing. Usually our kids' cries and tantrums are not as annoying as we imagine them to be since we are more focused on their behavior than anyone else is. Of course, our kids are never as brilliant as we imagine them to be either.

For awhile, others kept telling me things with Liam and Ben were not as bad as I imagined, and I just needed to adjust my outlook. I viewed this as fantastic news, and started running my positive scripts in my head during the day's rough patches. The good news is that my mood DID improve: I started laughing again and was finding enough energy to process my day with Dave. The bad news was that my positive outlook did not "trickle down" to effect the amount of hours Liam and Ben spend crying, screaming, and tantruming. I reassured myself that my perception of their behavior was likely hyper-sensitive, and things probably weren't that bad.

How wrong I was.....The good news is that I received validation for why my day to day life is so difficult. The bad news is that it is embarrassing to be the mother of the children who are always screaming.

After this week's sleepless night (see last post), I decided to take Murray to the vet. The only double stroller we own is the Phil and Ted's, and I still cannot figure out how to fold the thing for the life of me, so we just use it for neighborhood walks. The logistics of going to the vet required putting Ben in a mei tai on my front, strapping Liam into the umbrella stroller, and finally putting Murray's soft carrier on my back like a backpack. With Alabama heat and humidity, I was sweating profusely as soon as Liam was in the stroller before I even did anything else. Ben hates the heat so he started screaming when he touched my hot, sticky body. Murray was yowling. Liam saw the doors to the vet's office and started kicking, screaming, and thrashing. I am sure we were quite a sight entering the vet's. Murray was weighed, and they were trying to gather his symptoms from me....but literally could not hear me over the screaming. The louder Ben cried, the louder Liam screamed. The louder Liam screamed, Ben matched him with crying. On top of this, Murray would let loose with Siamese yowls sporadically. The vet politely suggested that it might be in everyone's best interest to leave Murray so he could be examined without screaming children. Relieved to not have to be in public anymore, I hurried out. Was the scene as bad as I imagined it? Apparently so, when Dave picked Murray up that night, the staff at the vet's office joked that he wasn't really sick, he just needed time away from the noise and craziness of both boys.

Today I braved Gymboree by myself (usually Dave and I go together to manage both boys or one of us takes him alone without Ben). I actually thought things were going well. Ben was on my back, he cried for about 10 minutes before falling asleep, slept 30 minutes, and then screamed for the last 10 minutes. Liam threw maybe 3-5 tantrums during the 50 minute class. At the end, the teacher asked if there wasn't a better time for Liam to attend as maybe the class was during his naptime. It wasn't anywhere near naptime as it was a 9am class and he doesn't nap until 12pm or so. Is it possible that the screaming and crying is worse than I am imagining it? If so, that scares me.

So what is a manic mommy to do? Lock myself in the house until this season of life passes? Grow thicker skin and endure the screaming, crying, and comments from other adults?

3:30am

I have been awake for 2 hours already. With Liam waking up at 5:30am for weeks now, I am not sure I'll get more sleep, or if I do, if it will be much.

It all started with Murray (that's my older, skinnier cat) puking on the bed and into the pack-n-play (though thankfully, Ben was sleeping in his crib in his room). Dave cleaned it up but we were still awake when Ben woke to nurse. I nursed him, but he was wide awake when he finished. Dave took him to soothe him to sleep, but he started screaming. He was arching his back and doing his reflux cry. Dave's alarm is going off at 5am for PT (military work-out) so he asked me to take over. I went to get a carrier from the closet and smelled that Liam had pooped. So I took over Ben, while Dave went to change Liam's diaper.

Now it is 3:30am, and Ben is lightly asleep. He'll wake if I transfer him now, so I am waiting until he is sound asleep.

Shared seats

One of the benefits of having two kids close in age is that they can share things. Of course, sometimes our big baby doesn't realize how silly he looks in the little baby items.

A Bumbo is a soft foam seat that allows a baby to sit upright and look around. Liam hated the Bumbo as an infant, so we didn't use it much with him. Here is Liam in the Bumbo at 5 months (the soonest we could get him to tolerate it without screaming):

Here is Ben in the Bumbo at 2 months:

Notice Ben is also not a fan of the Bumbo. ;-)

Now here is Liam in the Bumbo at 22 months:

It doesn't stop there.....Both Liam and Ben in the vibrating seat bought at an English boot sale:

And sometimes all the pieces just fall into place....

I have not blogged recently (or more likely, ever) about my good days, and the fun about raising 2 under 2. Summers in Alabama are to me like winters in the far north are to most people. I cannot stand the extreme heat, refuse to go outside, and appear to get the opposite of SADs (i.e., seasonal affective disorder). Maybe my body rejects too much sunlight? ;-)

Today has been a good day. Liam slept in until 7am, although Ben was in and out of sleep by 5:50am. When I got Liam, I sat on his loveseat with Ben while Liam brought me books to read. Then Liam insisted on hugging and kissing Ben, then brought all of his stuffed animals one by one and had the stuffed animals kiss Ben. I braved the heat (it was 87 degrees by 8am) and went out to run errands. Poor Ben screamed the whole car ride, and I was sweating profusely, especially as I wore Ben and wrestled Liam in and out of the stroller....but it was a nice change of pace. Liam ate a good lunch. Then all the stars aligned just right, and I got both boys down for a nap. Later this afternoon, a young teenager is coming over to help me with dinner and bedtime as Dave is working late tonight. All in all, this is a good day.

Ben is cooing more and crying less these days. Liam is so affectionate, and is trying harder to listen to me. I am learning how to relax and realize that when both boys want my attention 100% of the time, it just isn't possible.

Now for some fun videos of the boys. :-)

This is Liam this morning. This is how I am greeted by him almost every morning. The poor kid has had that cold for about two weeks now. The energy you see here does not stop. He manages to bounce and run like that for 14 hours all day long, every day.

This is Ben cooing at Dave this weekend. :-) He started to coo much more and loves chatting to me and Dave.

One of those days

I just finished trying to rock Ben to sleep; his legs and arms twitching against me, his fingers unfurling with his nails scratching my skin, his eyes jerking open every time they start to close, and my tears dropping onto his peach fuzz head. I could hear Liam tearing apart the living room, but if I put Ben down, I set the whole putting him to sleep process back 45 minutes. I couldn't stop my tears of frustration.

Sometimes I feel as if sleep consumes my whole life. I seem to always be putting someone to sleep or more likely failing at an attempt to do so. In those rare moments, I am not trying to get someone to sleep, I am obsessing about how much sleep they have gotten, counting hours in my head, computing when they are due to go to sleep again. The only time I stop this obsession with sleep is when I am sleeping myself, but then again, with my 2 under 2, I don't get enough either, although that is a whole other post.

Ben is crying so obviously my attempt failed. Do I throw in the towel and get him and let him start a play cycle or do I lock horns with him and keep the sleep battle going? And when will I play with Liam? I haven't played with him since 8:30am today when my battle with Ben started, and it is 2pm now....Oh, and Liam barely napped today either, as he was woken by Ben's screams.

Moms seem to be judged by how much their children sleep. The questions are endless: does the baby sleep through the night yet, how long does the toddler nap, can they self-soothe. Usually, I give vague answers because in all honesty, I don't think sleeping through the night is particularly important especially since as long as I have known my husband, he still cannot "sleep through the night." I do think that sleep is important and what bothers me is the disturbingly few number of hours of sleep my kids seem to live on. If we tell people how few hours both kids sleep, we immediately get looks of judgement, implying we are failing as parents (actually all looks are directed to me as all blame always falls to the mother).

According to the "books" and our pediatrician, the 2 month old should be sleeping 16 hours a day or so and the toddler should be sleeping about 13-14 hours.

Liam typically sleeps from about 9pm until 6am, for a total of 9 hours at night. Yes, we have a bedtime routine for him. He gets a bath every night between 6pm and 6:30pm. Then he gets stories and cuddling until he is calm and sleepy. He rarely falls asleep in our arms anymore, and he will let us know when he is ready to go into his crib. Then he plays in his crib for about 2 hours every night. We have tried everything we can think of to get him to go to sleep earlier, but he won't. He wakes for the day around 6am, and this is true whether he falls asleep at 6pm, 7pm, 10pm, midnight or 2am....and yes, on various occasions, we have seen all those options happen. In addition to his 9 hours of nighttime sleep, Liam naps for an average of 60 minutes a day. In a typical week, he'll go 1-2 days without napping, another 1-2 days napping only 30 minutes, and 1-2 days napping 2 hours.

Ben sleeps maybe 13-14 hours a day, and almost all of it is at night. During the day, he starts crying after being awake for 90 minutes, but he will refuse to nurse...or pop off and cry. He naps for maybe 10 minutes and the cycle starts again. To get him to sleep for those 10 minutes, I generally have to either rock him for 45 minutes to an hour while he cries and thrashes against me the whole time (this only nearly killls me, especiallly since his sleep cycles are so short--I often sponed 4 hours a day getting hit, scratched, and head butted) or put him in a carrier and walk, bounce and sway. This means no to little interaction with Liam. The cycle will go: Ben awake and calm so I play with Liam for 15 minutes then I spend 15 minutes playing with Ben, then Ben is calm again, so I have 15 more minutes for Liam, then I spend 30 minutes changing Ben and nursing him, then the battle for sleep lasts maybe 60 minutes, then Ben sleeps for 10 minutes, and the cycle starts over. On days like today when Liam has slept 8 hours at night, was awake at 5:30am, and napped for 30 minutes, Liam does not have patience for me to deal with Ben, so while Ben screams out of exhaustion, Liam cries, keeping him awake. It becomes a vicious cycle.

I am so tired that I have lost sight of the purpose of this post. I feel like an awful mother. Neither of my kids sleep enough. I have lost my temper countless times today as it seems someone has been crying or screaming at me non-stop. Dave insists that Ben and Liam just need less sleep than other kids, but if this is true, shouldn't they be happy when they are awake? Would Liam talk more if he slept more? Would Ben cry less if he slept more? I think the answer to both those questions is yes, and the guilt starts.

I guess it is just one of those days. I am in a never-ending, losing battle to get my kids to sleep, and I am slowly losing my mind. I feel like a terrible mother for not having more patience with them and feel all alone in this world and like in every other house with a 22 month old and 2 month old, they are napping peacefully. 3 more hours until Dave gets home for the night, and I don't know that I have any more patience or energy left.

We have survived 2 months of having 2 under 2!

In my sleep deprived state at 2am, I came to the realization that Ben is over 2 months old, which means that for over 2 months, we have managed 2 babies under the age of 2. We still have over 2 months until Liam's 2nd birthday so we are less than half-way there.....

Some wonder what life is like with 2 under 2, so I'll give you a typical day:

1:30am--2 month old wakes up crying, nursing begins

2am--2 month old is done nursing, but is wide awake, so I try soothing him to sleep

2:30am--My sweet husband asks me why I am still awake and offers to take over baby duty

3:30am--Husband crawls into bed.....baby is asleep

5:25am--5 minutes before our alarm, we wake to the crying of our toddler. He is covered in snot and has a fever. Husband takes over toddler duty so I can shower.

6am--Me and toddler eat breakfast while husband showers

6:40am--Husband leaves for work

7am--Toddler who used to be able to say "bubbles" points to the bubbles but asks for an apple. I grab the baby monitor and we head to the porch to blow bubbles.

7:30am--2 month old wakes up and I start nursing

8am--Toddler asks to eat again

8:30am--2 month has a diaper blow-out so I change his clothes

9am--2 month old is tired and fussing. I come out of his nursery to find toddler coloring on the walls.

9:20am--2 month old is crying, so he goes in a carrier

9:30am--I put TV on for toddler

10am--I nurse the 2 month old again

10:30am--I realize the toddler is way over-due for a diaper change

10:35am--I change 2 month old's diaper and start laundry (to prevent laundry build up, I do a full load everyday)

11am--2 month old is cranky and over-tired. I put lunch out for toddler and try to put 2 month to sleep.

11:30am--I come back to kitchen to find lunch chewed up spit out, smeared all over the table, and the dry pieces crumbled and all over the ground.

11:31am--I begin clean-up and toddler decides to "help" and trots off with the dust pan

11:45am--I am done cleaning up, but now 2 month old is crying. I go back into nursery to replace the pacifier and try to soothe him back to sleep.

12pm--I change toddler's diaper, read stories, and put him in crib for nap

12:45pm--I come out of toddler's room to hear 2 month old screaming. I grab him and nurse again.

1:10pm--I put 2 month old down so I can scarf down lunch. Toddler is still awake.

1:25pm--Toddler is crying so I go back into his room to soothe him. He fallls asleep in my arms so I place him in crib.

1:50pm--Newborn is fussing, so I start rocking him

2:40pm--Baby falls asleep, so I transfer him and he wakes up.....He goes into a carrier.

2:40-3:30pm--Baby naps in a carrier while I play on the internet. Toddler is sleeping.

3:30pm--Baby wakes and I nurse him.

3:31pm--As soon as baby latches on, toddler wakes up and starts crying. He'll need to wait.

3:40pm--I put 2 month old in bouncy seat while I get toddler. His clothes are drenched with pee, so I change him.

4pm--Toddler and I go into the living room and I put TV on.

4:05pm--Baby is fussing, so I pick him up to discover another diaper blow-out. While walking to his changing table, he spits up in my hair.

4:10pm--While baby is naked, I look and see toddler about to fall over back of couch. I run to gra him and remind him, there is no jumping on the couch.

4:15pm--Baby starts crying, which causes toddler to cry

4:20pm--I put baby in carrier and find toddler's shoes. I suggest we go outside which makes toddler go hunt for lamby, his lovey.

4:25pm--We get to door, but I remember I forgot baby's pacifier.

4:30pm--I found the pacifier but now toddler has taken his shoes off, lost lamby again, and dumped his blocks all over the floor.

4:31pm--Baby starts rooting, so I start nursing. Toddler begins demanding to go outside.

4:50pm--I change baby's diaper, pop him in a carrier, give up on toddler's shoes, and get us all outside.

4:51pm--Toddler sits down and refuses to walk, we go back inside. Baby is crying.

4:55pm--I am swaying 2 month old, trying to get him to sleep, while toddler climbs onto my bed. When I go get toddler, he wants me to carry him, so I carry 30 pound toddler while wearing 12 pound baby.

5pm--Baby is asleep in carrier but only if I keep swaying.

5:02pm--Husband calls to say he is on the way home; I beg him to drive quickly.

5:30pm--Husband comes home to me swaying while baby fusses, toddler watching TV, the house a mess, and no dinner. He begins to cook dinner.

5:31pm--Baby wakes to nurse. Toddler demands food.

6pm--Dinner is ready. Baby is fussing so I eat standing up with baby in colic carry.

6:20pm--Husband cleans up while I get baby into PJs.

6:40pm--Husband starts toddler's bath.

6:45pm--I nurse baby again.

7pm--I say good-night to toddler then start rocking 2 month old

7:20pm--Husband leaves toddler's room

7:45pm--Husband comes into baby's nursery to take a turn rocking.

7:55pm--Husband comes out of baby's nursery

8:03pm--Baby starts crying so I go into baby's nursery and can smell poop from the toddler's room. Husband goes to change toddler's diaper while I rock baby.

8:15pm--We are both back in living room. We open wine.

8:25pm--Baby cries so husband goes to replace pacifier.

10pm--We fall into bed and are asleep instantly.

Think I am exaggerating? I'm not. I found other blogs to assure me I wasn't alone:

http://thejoyfulchaos.wordpress.com/2007/05/15/2-under-2-2nd-edition/

http://www.parentingtwokids.com/2008/12/parenting-2-under-2.html

http://www.parents.com/baby/development/sibling-issues/two-children-under-the-age-of-2/

I realize I probably forgot a nursing session or two and probably 3 or 4 diaper changes, but you get the idea.

The amazing part is that I survived the last 2 months. Liam has survived and still loves me and isn't showing any signs of permanent damage. Ben has survived despite the endless hours of screaming and some rough handling from Liam. Dave has survived and still manages to get to work on time. Even the cats have survived....they still get food and water, and manage to hunt down my lap on the rare occasions, there isn't a baby on it. If I hear one more time though that "you must really have your hands full", I think I might scream.

The even more amazing part is that it really is getting a little easier everyday. I find myself falling into a rhythm and am having less guilt about the fact that I cannot give either Liam or Ben 100% of my attention. Sure, we are only halfway there and we still have over 2 months of having 2 under 2, but I think I can even laugh about the hard parts now. I am still am really looking forward to August 20th when I graduate from the 2 under 2 club, although I have a feeling that Liam's 2nd birthday won't bring any sort of special magic and suddenly everything will be easy. ;-)

"Happy hour" at our house

The longest time of the day is the time from when Liam wakes from his nap until Dave gets home. Ben will often refuse to nap and be over-tired. Liam is usually cranky. In reality, this means everyone is crying. Here is a video of a typical "happy hour" in the Routhier house:

Ben has been on Zantac for 1 week now. We are seeing some improvement. He used to cry when he burped and spit up, and that crying has stopped. The screeching scream he was doing when he cried has stopped, as well. However, sleep has not improved, which means we are still having lots of crying due to being over-tired. He will not sleep in the car and does not fall asleep nursing. He won't fall asleep with rocking, and often fights falling asleep for hours. He has a well-baby visit next week, and I am hoping for some answers at that visit.

Yesterday we tried to go to a Pirate storytime taught by our neighbor in downtown Montgomery. I made sure that Ben nursed right before he went in and was focused on whether he would fall asleep in the sling during the storytime. I was so focused on Ben that I forgot about Liam's fear of new environments and strangers. Liam took one look at the crowded room and started tantruming. With Ben in a sling, I couldn't hold Liam close enough to calm him, and we had to leave. Lesson learned: arrive at actvities before anyone else or don't bother going.

Brotherly love...and a rough adjustment for mom

Some said that having two kids under the age of two was a crazy plan. I laughed these naysayers off. The last few weeks, I am discovering the logic in their thinking. These days I nurse usually two times between midnight and 5:30am. By 5:30am, Ben is usually wide awake. If he is coorperative, I get a shower....or I have to hope Dave has enough time before work to help keep him calm. Liam wakes for the day about 6:30am, and somehow Ben always times a meltdown in the middle of me getting Liam dressed for the day. I have had a mother's helper from 9:30am until 1:30pm, but that was just a short term solution and her time with me ends in another 2 weeks. When she isn't here, there is generally some calm moments as I play with Liam while wearing Ben in a carrier. Putting Liam down for his nap is also a challenge, as Ben always times another meltdown....do you see the pattern? While Liam naps, I try to get Ben to take a nap that isn't in a carrier. Like Liam as a newborn, he refuses to nap unless he is touching me. This generally means if I eat lunch, Ben gets overtired and cries. I have a choice to either hold him and be tied to the couch or put him in a carrier again. Somehow Ben and Liam always time waking up from naps at the same time. The 4 o'clock hour is usually spent with 2 screaming kids....and me wondering why I don't have cocktails being served to me. Beginning around 5pm, Ben begins cluster nursing and we go into auto-pilot until bedtime. Murray and Sammy are generally in charge of watching Liam during this time until Dave gets home. Then 6pm brings the rush to cook and eat dinner. 7pm means bath time for Liam and he is in bed no later than 8pm. This doesn't mean my work day is over. Generally, if Ben isn't nursing between 5pm and 9pm, he is screaming. The only way he'll sleep longer than 10 minutes is in a carrier or if I am in bed next to him....so I nurse and watch TV.....and put him back in a carrier and pace around the computer while getting some internet time (I cannot stop moving or he cries--I eat all meals standing up and moving too). At 10pm, it is my bedtime....and as long as Ben can feel me touching him, he'll sleep, until 1 or 2am when the cycle starts all over again.

So were we crazy to have 2 boys in a 19 and a half month time span? The jury is out on that....What I do know is that we have given Liam and Ben the gift of a life long friend. Ben will never know life without Liam. Liam is mesmerized with Ben, and always asks about the baby before going to sleep. He wants to hug and kiss Ben, and tries to help me burp him. He makes sure his lambie gives Ben kisses, and he touches his head gently. I am pretty sure that once I survive the first two years, I'll remember those sweet moments more than anything else.