Afghanistan, take 3

We are awaiting confirmation about whether Dave will head to Afghanistan in July. The good news is that it is only a month. The bad news is that it is Afghanistan and he'll likely miss Ben starting school and Liam's birthday for a 2nd year in a row. Still, it could be worse.

My 5 seconds of fame

http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/bestoftv/2010/12/29/mxp.welcome.home.wed.hln.html

Homecoming photos and my ridiculous weepy voice on CNN this morning.

Reunion pictures

courtesy of my amazing friend, Anita.

Friday morning, June 4th after multiple delays, Dave was finally on the way home to us.  Anita met me and the boys at the airport.  US Airways and the Montgomery airport gets 2 big thumbs down for failing to allow us greet Dave at the gate.  Here I am arguing trying to convince them:

Ben kissing his Daddy doll while waiting for Daddy:

I LOVE this shot of Ben making a break for security:

Anita caught Liam in a rare moment of still-ness:

And then we started to see passengers from his flight.  And suddenly, I could see him, and I pointed him out to Liam, who ran at him as fast as he could.  Dave caught Liam and it was like no time had passed:

The joy on Liam's face was so pure and complete and he kept his little toddler arms wrapped around Dave's neck as long as he could:

Ben was sleepy so he was in a carrier on my back.  I was too shocked to cry, and too overwhelmed by emotion to even know what to do or say:

I wanted Dave to have a chance to hold Ben so I handed him over, but Liam refused to let go and stayed in Dave's arms.  Dave learned how hard it is to hold two growing toddlers:

Ben was unhappy about being taken from his napping spot in the carrier and unsure about being held by Daddy:

This is the happiest I have been in over a year:

First kisses with the younger toddler in between us and the older toddler next to us:

Liam insisted on kisses too:

Ben fell asleep in the carrier, Liam still refused to let Dave put him down, and we walked out to the car.  We loaded the boys in, and for the first time, I felt overcome with emotion and jumped at Dave:

More kisses:

Anxiety

Tick tock tick tock tick tock......

It has been well over 48 hours since I last heard from Dave, after nearly a week of one line e-mails that basically said "I'm alive but cannot write more.  I'll send you a longer message in a couple hours."  Loner messages never came.  I don't know where he is, but I am tryin to remember that no news must mean his schedule hasn't changed.

You'd think after 7 months of infrequent phone calls and Skyping a number of times that can be counted on 2 hands, I'd be used to lack of communication.  But there were always e-mails, and the lack of hearing anythin has my anxiety going through the roof.

Tick tock tick tock.....

I am freaked out about the reunion.  I am worried about a thousand little thins and getting more upset about the idea of him coming home.

Tick tock.....

The move/PCS were NOT supposed to do this summer and that suddenly came up is getting closer.  We need to rent our house and sell a car.  I am a bit frantic.

Tick tock....

Liam's IEP is coming up and I feel unprepared.  I feel even worse that we'll be movin right after he turns 3.  Of course, this means he is too old for Early Intervention at our new home, but the public school system is closed for the summer, so I am having a hard time reaching anyone.

Tick tock....

There are no Mother's Day Out programs in our new location and the preschools have a strict birthday deadline of September 1st, which means Liam will make the deadline by only 11 days and likely be the youngest, when he already is delayed.  Oh, and he needs to be potty trained.  He cannot even pull down his own pants.

Tick tock tick tock tick tock....

Ben hasn't been sleeping, sometimes getting as little as 4-6 hours between the hours of 7 and 7 and refusingg to nap.  This means I am not sleeping.  I don't know how I am still standing.  I cannot even bein my to-do list and I cannot think clearly.  Today is Day 6 off his Prilosec for reflux and clearly he needs to go back on, but I promised the doctors a 14 day trial off of it.

Tick tock.....
Ben has required constant holdin, and I remember what it was like when he was a newborn.  He is refusing to be put down.  It has been like this for over a month.  Poor Liam is being neglected due to Ben demandin all my attention and all my feelings of guilt from last summer are flooding back.

And we are back to the crushingg anxiety......

Sevens........

7 days before Dave deployed Liam was diagnosed with PDD-NOS.
Ben was 7 months when Dave left.
Now 7 days before the 7 month mark, Dave is due to arrive home.

The deployment will be 7 days less than 7 months long.....or 205 days.....or 29 weeks and 2 days.  Unlike 365 day deployments where there is 2 weeks R&R (plus travel time), Dave got zero R&R, not even the 3 days at a nicer deployed location (which used to be standard for 6 month deployments).  And with the news we got last week, there will be no rest for the weary as we are gearing up to move this summer.

I don't know a time that Dave will land by commercial airline, but we could use every prayer that can be spared that there will be no delays and the day does not change.

At some point during these last six seven months, I had to stop hoping and anticipating Dave's return.  I could not get through the day to day life thinking he'd be back someday.  In the last month, the closer we got, the more it felt like he'd never come home.  Now that I know a day, it's real, but letting in the joy of homecoming also means letting in the pain of separation, so the tears I haven't been able to cry for the last seven months won't stop now.  Please let him not be delayed.

Horseshoes and hand grenades

are the only things that being "close" really matters, and I can tell you that being close to the end of a deployment means nothing, except more pain.

I used to run long distance, and I would prep myself for the final stretch during the whole run.  Some days all the stars aligned--I had carb-loaded enough the night before, I was on a familiar course or I had found a good person to pace with/against, the wind was blowing with me not against me, I had slept well, etc; those days I felt all my muscles spring into action as I dug deep inside me for energy I didn't think I had.  My arms would start pumping faster and before long, my legs would follow.  My lungs would cooperate, and I'd get a giant burst of speed.  I placed ahead of several runners more talented than me with this last burst.  My coach usually set someone at the finish line to catch me because if I was able to give it my all, I collapsed as soon as I finished.  Other days I was off, and any little variable would throw the whole finish off.  The burst would never happen.  My legs would turn to jelly, my lungs would seize, and I'd be passed by several people as I hobbled and convulsed my way to the finish line.  I'd finish sobbing in anger and would pace furiously until the race was over.

Unfortunately, all the stars are NOT aligned right for the end of this deployment.  I feel like I am crawling on my belly, gasping for air, and looking foolish as everyone else seems to take such deployments in stride.  I am at least able to eat thanks to some very good friends and I have enough emotional support to remind me I am not alone.


I am more than 6 months into the 6 month deployment and still don't have a countdown until Dave's return.  This has made crossing days off the calendar seem meaningless as I don't see the end in sight even if it is near.


So, I found this quote:
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt


And I am not the only one who is tired......

In case you are wondering the deal with the white highlighting, I couldn't figure how to get it off the post....and THAT is the level I am functioning at these days.

6 years ago today

We said "I do."

Dave sent me fancy chocolates from France in a wooden box engraved with our anniversary date.  I didn't send him anything.  It has been a tough year, so our wedding song is more fitting than ever:

Come Rain Or Come Shine
I´m gonna love you like nobody´s loved you,
come rain or come shine.
High as a mountain and deep as a river,
come rain or come shine.
I guess when you met me,it was just one of those things.
But don´t you ever bet me
cause I´m gonna be true if you let me.
You´re gonna love me like nobodys loved me,
come rain or come shine.
Will be happy togehter, unhappy togehter.
Now won´t that be just fine.
The days may be cloudy or sunny.
We´re in or we´re out of the money.
But I´m with you always,
I´m with you, rain or shine !
Days may be cloudy or sunny.
We´re in or we´re out of the money.
I´m with you, baby, I´m with you, rain or shine!
 
I have followed Dave from a city I loved to the South, leaving friends and family behind.  I still miss Philadelphia so much that it sometimes hurts.  From Florida, we moved to England, where we got to travel all over Europe.  Unfortunately, we moved back to the South, and our time here has been the roughest on our marriage.  This year alone, we dealt with more crying than I thought possible for 2 little boys to produce, reflux, an autism spectrum diagnosis, and a deployment. 
 
I hope today to find some time to watch the highlights portion of our wedding video.  I look forward to a time again in our marriage where we could pay some attention to eachh other.  Heck, I look forward to a time when we can talk on the phone or see each other (last phone call was 11 days ago and last Skype conversation was 35 days ago).

Almost missed a deployment milestone

With the tedium of everyday life, an early start this morning, a rough few hours (including dropping a baby food glass jar that tumbled and sent baby food flying everywhere), and Ben's talking, I totally forgot that today is day 100 of the dpeloyment.  I have been apart from Dave for triple digit days.  The good news is that in my little countdown, this is my half-way point.  Dave deployment is for 179 days, but that doesn't count travel time.  It took him 6 days to get to his location, which makes the deployment 185 days.  It should take him 6+ days to get home.  I figure if I expect it to be 200 days, I shouldn't be disappointed with him coming home late.

So we are half-way there!!!!!!!!!  It seems a lifetime ago that I posted about surviving 50 days and now it has been 100.  I should have less than 100 to go.  So in celebration, here are some old pictures of Dave and I together.....you know back when we took pictures together.....before kids. ;-)

New Year's Eve  2002

Engagement Photo in Fall 2003

April 17, 2004

Brugge, Belgium November 2005

Dublin pub, May 2006

SOG Ball, May 2007, 6 months pregnant with Liam

One month down, about 170 days left

and really Liam expresses best how I feel about that.....

Sleep deprivation, the same old story & other random things

Dave and I do not have sleeping genes it appears, and both boys have been challenged in the sleep department. I seriously have some sort of PTSD related to Liam's sleep from his 8th month of life until his 11th month. It has scarred me and distorted my view of all things sleep related. I am fairly certain that a 3 month stretch of sleep like that while Dave is deployed will kill me.

Last night, I was still awake at 10:30pm. I should have been in bed, and usually am by that time, but last night I was worried about Dave. He is very busy and only gets a chance to write 1 line e-mails, and I had last heard from him before he left the safety of his base, and he never wrote to tell me he made it back. Around 10pm, when it was morning his time, he finally had written to me. So I was awake when Ben woke up. He nursed until 11:30pm then it took me 30 minutes to fall asleep. I was very groggy when he woke at 1am. I dosed in and out while he nursed until 2am. He woke for the day at 4am. That's right, 4am. That gaave me 3 hours of broken sleep. It also meant he was asleep for a total of 8 hours with 2 one hour long wake-ups. How can that possibly be enough sleep for him?

We had to leave the house at 6:30am for Ben's weight check on base. It was a decent appointment. Here are the stats:
Length: 27.25 inches which is 65th percentile
Weight: 15 pounds 6 ounces which is 8th percentile
Head: a bit over 18 inches which is 89th percentile
Most importantly, we got a referral to see a different GI doctor and get a 2nd opinion on what is going on with Ben.

Dave is experiencing his own exhaustion due to work days that sometimes last 20 hours. I hope things improve for all of us soon.

Dave is now at his deployed location

The top picture is a photo of Kabul that I found on the internet, and the bottom is my freezer stocked with homemade purees.

Dave left Montgomery on Tuesday and flew to Norfolk, Virgiania. His bags were delayed due to weather and he waited for hours for them before they arrived soaking wet. Wednesday his flight was delayed due to rain, and he didn't take off until 12am Wednesday night/Thursday morning. Due to the weather conditions, the plane stopped twice to re-fuel. Between that and the time change, he "lost" Thursday and landed in Qatar on Friday morning. He took off 24 hours later for Bagram and then was there less than 24 hours. From Bagram, he flew to the airport near Kabul, then took a convoy to his location.

His location is *very* small, just a handful of buildings and is protected by a very high wall and some barbed wire. The way they are doing lodging and taking freighter cars and putting them together than cutting out the center to create a building. Then they section off tiny areas. Dave has a roommate and they share a 6 foot by 14 foot space. There is enough room for a bunk bed and two foot lockers. Not that he'll spend much time in his room as he began work within an hour of arriving and has been working 18 hour days since then.

He promises pictures soon.

Day 1 out of 200, approximately.....

In the past 8 days, there has been a promotion, a diagnosis of developmental disorder, an ear infection, military paperwork, and Hurricane Ida, but nothing could stop this day from coming. I cannot explain how it creeps up on you. The news he was leaving was more crushing than the actual departure. He just walked onto a plane and waved to us, and it almost seemed like any other day, except he isn't coming back for a bit over 6 months. Liam chose this moment to call him "Daddy" for the first time, and called out "No, Daddy, No, Dadddddd-eeeee!"

I was okay for the moment and my friend Chrissy spent the afternoon for me. Tonight has been rougher as Liam has asked for Dave over and over and over again. The rain from Ida is pounding my windows and I just want to snuggle with my husband.

Crossing one day off the calendar and not thinking farter than tomorrow when Liam will be off school, and we'll go to Kindermusik.....

But June, please hurry and get here. And this is most important, Dave, please stay safe!

Halloween

We are counting down the days we have left with Dave, and the number is much too short. Halloween is the only holiday we will get with him until Father's Day, so we were determined to make the most of it. Liam enjoyed trick or treating last year (as a lion) so we had high hopes for this year. Things looked good earlier in the week as Ben was happpy as a lambie for his Kindermusik class and Liam loved his golfer costume for his school Halloween party.

Last night, however, neither boy liked the idea of a clothing change at 6pm at night. Pictures did not go well, as you can see. Ben settled down when we started walking and Liam was happy to see aall his neighborhood friends dressed up. We rang the bell next door and when the door opened, Liam screamed and ran for home. Trick or treating was over.

There is always next year.....

Training leaves me elbows deep in poop and sick boys

On October 5th, Dave left for his deployment training. For those not familiar with training, it iss often filled with worst case scenarios to hopefully prepare you for less grave circumstances in the field. With Dave gone, I am on my own and in my own form of trainingg for single parenthood with two boys less than two years apart in age. Let's hope that I am getting my own worst case scenarios, and the actual deployment will be easier.

Liam is in the midst of getting his 2 year old molars which generally make for a cranky toddler. Ben is working on learning to roll over which makes for a non-sleeping baby. That alone would be enough excitement for me to handle on my own, but it doesn't stop there.

By Friday, I was definitely sick with a cold. Saturday, I braved a toddler birthday party by myself at Pump It Up. Liam kept climbing to the top of the big slide and then freezing in fear too afraid to slide down while I dealt with a wailing baby and looked at helplessly. Thankfully, a friend's husband came to Liam's rescue and slid down with him in one arm and his son in the other arm.

Sunday morning I walked into Liam's room to find something that will haunt my nightmares forever. I won't go into great detail in case anyone is squeamish, but it involved poop on the mattress, smeared down Liam's shirt, and on various lovies in the crib. After washing everything in Liam's room and disinfecting the crib, I tackled the zoo by myself. I think a side by side double stroller is in my future.

Monday night Ben didn't sleep. Honestly, he didn't sleep at all....more like cat-napped. I was in his rok at 9pm. I slept 30 minutes from 10:30 until 11pm, then back in his room then on to Liam's room as Ben woke him up. I slept 30 more minutes from 12:30am until 1am and then was back with Ben. He was awake FOUR friggin' hours and finally passed out at 5am. I slept a blissful 45 minutes before my alarm went off.....and obviously, my alarm wasn't even early enough as Liam was already awake. Those are the moments you no longer want to be a grown up.

Monday afternoon both boys cooperated by napping at the same time allowing me a one hour nap. I should have known this would come at a price. Ben woke first and while I nursed him, Liam woke. I put Ben in the Bumbo and went to retrieve Liam and found him soaking wet and burning up with fever. I checked his temperature and foound it to be 102.7. Thankfully, he loves Motrin and happily drank that and 2 sippy cups while I changed his clothes and bed sheet. By this time, Ben was screaming. I picked Ben up and put him on my hip, only to discover too late that now I was covered in baby poop and it was all over him and the Bumbo. Lovely......The day hasn't gotten any better and Ben has woken every 30 minutes since bedtime and is awake as I type this. I suspect this will be another night of sleeping 3 hours or less.

The real deployment won't involve this percentage of lack of sleep, poop all over the place, and sick babies/toddlers, will it?

Time is playing tricks on me lately

It has been a long time since I updated my blog; at least, I think it has been a long time. Lately, time seems to drag on and fly by at the same time. One day can seem to last a week, but a week flies by in the blink of an eye. Alot of this had to do with the end of normalcy as I know it. Dave left for his deployment training this week, and I was thrown into my journey as a single mother. Last week was Dave's last one with the family and he left this Monday. We get some time with him in early November (and we'll be going to one of his trainings thanks to a friend) but really, it is like he is gone already. I tried to savor my last week with him, but it was a bad week for various reasons and seemed to last forever.

On the positive side, this last weekend I realized how incredibly lucky I am to have all 3 of my boys in my life.

I am behind on updates, but promise to get some on here soon.

My husband rocks! Friday....Pre-deployment addition

To learn more about my husband rocks Fridays, go here: http://honestandlasting.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-husband-rocks-friday.html

This Friday, it is pretty simple...

When my husband got word he was deploying very, VERY soon to Afghanistan and would be leaving in 3 weeks for training, he did not worry about his safety, think about all he would be sacrificing, or feel bad about being chosen to go. Instead, his only thoughts were worry over the well-being of his family, thinking about all he would miss in the lives of his sons, and sadness over leaving us.

My husband rocks for caring more about his family than himself and for the sacrifices he is about to make.