I just finished trying to rock Ben to sleep; his legs and arms twitching against me, his fingers unfurling with his nails scratching my skin, his eyes jerking open every time they start to close, and my tears dropping onto his peach fuzz head. I could hear Liam tearing apart the living room, but if I put Ben down, I set the whole putting him to sleep process back 45 minutes. I couldn't stop my tears of frustration.
Sometimes I feel as if sleep consumes my whole life. I seem to always be putting someone to sleep or more likely failing at an attempt to do so. In those rare moments, I am not trying to get someone to sleep, I am obsessing about how much sleep they have gotten, counting hours in my head, computing when they are due to go to sleep again. The only time I stop this obsession with sleep is when I am sleeping myself, but then again, with my 2 under 2, I don't get enough either, although that is a whole other post.
Ben is crying so obviously my attempt failed. Do I throw in the towel and get him and let him start a play cycle or do I lock horns with him and keep the sleep battle going? And when will I play with Liam? I haven't played with him since 8:30am today when my battle with Ben started, and it is 2pm now....Oh, and Liam barely napped today either, as he was woken by Ben's screams.
Moms seem to be judged by how much their children sleep. The questions are endless: does the baby sleep through the night yet, how long does the toddler nap, can they self-soothe. Usually, I give vague answers because in all honesty, I don't think sleeping through the night is particularly important especially since as long as I have known my husband, he still cannot "sleep through the night." I do think that sleep is important and what bothers me is the disturbingly few number of hours of sleep my kids seem to live on. If we tell people how few hours both kids sleep, we immediately get looks of judgement, implying we are failing as parents (actually all looks are directed to me as all blame always falls to the mother).
According to the "books" and our pediatrician, the 2 month old should be sleeping 16 hours a day or so and the toddler should be sleeping about 13-14 hours.
Liam typically sleeps from about 9pm until 6am, for a total of 9 hours at night. Yes, we have a bedtime routine for him. He gets a bath every night between 6pm and 6:30pm. Then he gets stories and cuddling until he is calm and sleepy. He rarely falls asleep in our arms anymore, and he will let us know when he is ready to go into his crib. Then he plays in his crib for about 2 hours every night. We have tried everything we can think of to get him to go to sleep earlier, but he won't. He wakes for the day around 6am, and this is true whether he falls asleep at 6pm, 7pm, 10pm, midnight or 2am....and yes, on various occasions, we have seen all those options happen. In addition to his 9 hours of nighttime sleep, Liam naps for an average of 60 minutes a day. In a typical week, he'll go 1-2 days without napping, another 1-2 days napping only 30 minutes, and 1-2 days napping 2 hours.
Ben sleeps maybe 13-14 hours a day, and almost all of it is at night. During the day, he starts crying after being awake for 90 minutes, but he will refuse to nurse...or pop off and cry. He naps for maybe 10 minutes and the cycle starts again. To get him to sleep for those 10 minutes, I generally have to either rock him for 45 minutes to an hour while he cries and thrashes against me the whole time (this only nearly killls me, especiallly since his sleep cycles are so short--I often sponed 4 hours a day getting hit, scratched, and head butted) or put him in a carrier and walk, bounce and sway. This means no to little interaction with Liam. The cycle will go: Ben awake and calm so I play with Liam for 15 minutes then I spend 15 minutes playing with Ben, then Ben is calm again, so I have 15 more minutes for Liam, then I spend 30 minutes changing Ben and nursing him, then the battle for sleep lasts maybe 60 minutes, then Ben sleeps for 10 minutes, and the cycle starts over. On days like today when Liam has slept 8 hours at night, was awake at 5:30am, and napped for 30 minutes, Liam does not have patience for me to deal with Ben, so while Ben screams out of exhaustion, Liam cries, keeping him awake. It becomes a vicious cycle.
I am so tired that I have lost sight of the purpose of this post. I feel like an awful mother. Neither of my kids sleep enough. I have lost my temper countless times today as it seems someone has been crying or screaming at me non-stop. Dave insists that Ben and Liam just need less sleep than other kids, but if this is true, shouldn't they be happy when they are awake? Would Liam talk more if he slept more? Would Ben cry less if he slept more? I think the answer to both those questions is yes, and the guilt starts.
I guess it is just one of those days. I am in a never-ending, losing battle to get my kids to sleep, and I am slowly losing my mind. I feel like a terrible mother for not having more patience with them and feel all alone in this world and like in every other house with a 22 month old and 2 month old, they are napping peacefully. 3 more hours until Dave gets home for the night, and I don't know that I have any more patience or energy left.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Big hugs, Michelle! You are not a failure as a mother at all! Maybe it's time to let the sleep issue go for a while. Granted, the kids will still be cranky, but at least you won't be making yourself crazy trying to get them to do something they don't want to do. Maybe try it for a week and see how that feels.
You are a loving, attentive mother. Please believe that!
From the little I know you, you are NOT a failure as a mom. The fact that you are this concerned about their sleep says so! We all have frustrating days and issues, so know your not the only one! I'm so sorry about your day, it will get better mamma, you can get through this. As the one comment said, maybe it would be good to stop trying so hard and just let everyone be and see if that makes you feel less stressed. Huggs to you!!!!
Oh, Michelle... reading this post brought me back to the dark place that I was in when V was still a baby and I was delirious from lack of sleep. I had almost forgotten what it was like until I noticed the same sadness and desperation in your tone here.
You're absolutely right - it's hard NOT to feel guilty when it seems like yours is the only child who isn't doing what everyone else's baby is. It's hard not to blame yourself and feel like they would be so much happier if only you could figure out a magic way to make sleep click.
But what I learned with my firstborn is that there are some things that don't make sense until you start letting go. In my case that meant no longer counting the number of hours that V slept, forcing myself to forget how long he'd been awake, and simply working off of his cues - even if that meant having to strap a shrieking, over-tired child to my chest.
The goods news is that, eventually, things WILL start to make sense again and life will take on its own rhythm in time. The bad news is that it's hard to determine WHEN that will happen, and in the meantime you just have to give it your all and hang in there.
Cry if you need to, vent and scream and lean on your husband when you feel that you can't go on any longer, and, above all, know that there is a whole world full of mothers out there who, in one way or another, have felt your pain and are sending their best wishes your way.
You are an AMAZING mother, and you WILL get through this! ♥
Its just one of those days, huh? Ill offer some hugs!!(())
Post a Comment