About to graduate from the "Two under Two" club

A week from today, my toddler turns 2 years old, which means I am going to have to stop whining about having "2 under 2." I will still be a member of the baby buncher club, and know that life will continue to be chaotic for the next couple of years.

Reflecting on the last 4.5 months, I have to wonder if I will ever look back upon this time with nostalgia.

Every day I wake up and my only plan is survival. I have managed these last 4 and a half months that way. If I can survive until 7am....if I can make it until 9am.....if I can just hold on until lunch....if I can hold it together during the craziness of putting everyone down for a nap at the same time....if I can survive the constant bouncing and rocking of Ben during Liam's nap....if I can entertain an overtired Liam on days he doesn't nap....if I can make it until Dave gets home...if I can get through dinner....if I can get through bedtime.....if I can just make it through the nighttime when both boys are awake and the cats are yowling. Then it repeats.

We have all survived these four months, but life is about more than survival, isn't it?

Ben has reflux. He spent his first two months screaming for 7 to 8 hours a day. It didn't matter what I did, he screamed, but putting him down was never an option. Those first two months were a haze of nursing, babywearing, and constant swaying. Finally, he got a reflux diagnosis and some medicine. His screaming decreased, but he still doesn't tolerate being put down. He screams when he sees his crib or pack-n-play, he freaks out if he sees the swing, and even now at 5 months, he shows no interest in toys as he just wants to be in my arms always.

As luck would have it, Liam has sensory issues, although we didn't know this until very recently. Ben's screaming completely overwhelms Liam and causes him to meltdown. Sometimes even a happy goo from Ben causes Liam to yell "No, No, NO baybee" while pointing at Ben and grabbing for me to comfort him. I try to remove Ben from Liam's presence when he cries, but Liam hears Ben and seeks me out, which brings him right back to Ben. In those early days, all three of us spent most of our days crying.

By 2 months, we started to develop some routines, and the Zantac helped Ben enough that he wasn't always screaming. That is when I realized that Liam at 21 months hadn't added any new words since 18 months and had pretty much stopped using language altogether. I tried to focus on getting us out of the house more, which was met by Liam's sudden intense fear of leaving the house. If I forced him out into our front yard to play with neighbors, he'd sit on the driveway and scream. A trip to the vitamin store to get Gripe Water from Ben would result in a meltdown. There was the time he screamed for the entire 45 minutes we were at Gymboree and refused to engage.

So I called Alabama's Early Intervention to get an evaluation for Liam. He needs to have a 25% delay to qualify for services and I wasn't sure he would. He was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. He qualifies for occupational therapy to help his sensory issues. He will also get speech therapy as he does have a speech delay (I don't know how much yet as we are still waiting on that evaluation). Speech delays often go hand and hand with sensory issues. What concerns me most are the autism "red flag" behaviors that Liam possesses. These behavior don't mean that Liam has autism or Asperger's or PDD-NOS, but they mean he likely will be evaluated at some point. I am not even sure as I need to talk to his pediatrician at his 2 year well-baby visit next week. Liam's red flag behaviors are toe walking (which we wrote off for months as I do it when cold, tired, or drunk), almost no eye contact (he gives eye contact but not when communicating), obsessive play (he becomes obsessed with a toy or fruit and will want that item exclusively and then move onto a new toy or fruit within a few days), limited communication (he speaks when prompted but not much on his own even though his vocabulary is between 50 and 100 words), and lots of self-stimulating behaviors (jumping and spinning). What mystifies me and Dave is that Liam was ahead on his developmental milestones until about 12 months. He didn't really seem to fall behind until Ben was born.

This is where my Mommy guilt enters. Would Ben cry so much if I weren't always interrupting a nursing session to grab Liam as he is about to leap off the back of the couch (since he doesn't respond to verbal direction)? Would Ben's reflux be more under control if I had more time to research it? Would Liam's language be more advanced if I had time to work with him instead of always nursing Ben and trying to keep him calm? Would I have gotten Liam assessed earlier if I weren't so tied up in Ben's reflux?

I try my best to balance both of their needs, but too often Liam is wearing a diaper that is sagging low from being way too full and overdue for a change. Liam ends up watching way more TV than I ever wanted him to. Ben ends up crying while I go through Liam's regimented nap routine because if I change anything he won't nap (and he sleeps too little as it is).

Maybe I expected too much of having 2 under 2 or maybe I am having a rougher time than most moms of 2 "twiblings" (siblings less than 2 years apart per http://www.babybunching.com/). I knew the first two years would be rough, but eventually they'll be great friends and all my hard work will pay off. When I can barely keep them both in the same room without them making each other cry, it is hard to see that. I enjoy both of my boys, but am not enjoying them together.

Today I have wonderful memories of playing with Liam and having him hold my face against his as I cuddled him before his nap. I have wonderful memories of smelling the top of Ben's head while rocking him to sleep and having him giggle while I kissed his neck. What I don't have is any happy memories of interacting with them at the same time because while Liam was pressing his sweet face to mine, his brother was loudly fussing. While Ben while giggling with joy at my kisses, Liam was whining and pulling on my shirt.

What did I learn about having two babies under the age of two? I learned that babywearing is even more essential than it was with just one high needs baby. I learned the true meaning of multitasking as I can nurse Ben while lifting Liam into his booster seat and making his lunch. I learned that you can survive on 4-6 hours of sleep for months in a row. I learned how to ask for help from others and that I have wonderful friends and neighbors. I learned who my true friends were as I watched some people fade into the background as they were too uncomfortable in the messiness of my chaotic life. I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought myself capable of being and that I can keep going for my children even when I don't have the energy to comb my hair.

I also learned that the challenges and the fun are just beginning.