Christmases past, present, and future

I love Christmas, but this year I am having trouble accepting that Christmas will happen without Dave. I have tried my best to get into the holidays for the sake of the boys, but they don't understand that anything is different so it is hard to keep trying. Today is Christmas Eve and it is like any other day. I woke up at 5:30am and checked the monitors: Ben was awake babbling to himself and Liam was standing in his crib calling "Mommy!" and was already naked (having taken off his PJs and his diaper).

To understand what Christmas needs to me, I need to talk about Christmases past. I was 7 years old when I learned the magic of Christmas. Money was tight and my mom (a single mom) kept telling me that I had been a very good girl but Santa couldn't afford to buy presents for all the children and the parents provided money for presents....and well, there just wasn't any money this year. I told her all I wanted was a crawling baby doll, and she assured me she'd talk to Santa, but she didn't know if it were possible. On Christmas Eve, she prepared me and told me that she tried her best to look for money, but there would only be a stocking and that Santa knew I was good, so please not to be disappointed on Christmas. When I woke in the morning, I did have a stocking, but it was huge and filled with small items from the dollar store. What more could a 7 year old want? There was 1 present under the tree, and my mom was shocked, saying Santa must have used his own money. Inside the box was a crawling baby doll. I was in heaven. This year, I only want 3 things--Dave, a crawling baby Ben, and a talking Liam. ;-)

I was 27 when I learned that Christmas is about WHO you spend it with, not what you get. Dave had just started his position as a JAG and had just moved to Florida. His belongings were on a truck and would not be delivered until after Christmas. Dave had not yet gotten his first check from becoming active duty and literally had NO money (I gave him student loan money to pay the deposit and first month's rent on the town home). I spent Christmas Eve with my family in PA. Then at 4am on Christmas morning, I packed up Murray and headed to the Philadelphia airport. My plane had to be de-iced and I didn't get to Florida until after noon. Dave and I sat with Murray in an empty town home. There was no furniture. There was no Christmas tree. There were no decorations. With no money, there were no presents. We listened to music on a borrowed alarm clock and played cards. Dave used borrowed dishes to make Cesar salad and salmon. It was a very simple Christmas, but we were deliriously happy to just be together. Christmas is not about what you buy or what you get. It is not about a fancy meal or pretty decorations. It is about who you are with.

This brings us to Christmas present. I have the benefit of spending Christmas with my beautiful boys. Dave has to work 16-18 hours on Christmas Eve and on Christmas. All he wants is to be able to see his sons and hold them. I, at least, have that. Below are some pictures from the days leading up to Christmas.....

My hope for Christmases future is that we won't have to spend a Christmas apart again. I hope that next Christmas Liam can tell me what he wants and can understand what the season is about. I hope that Ben can share in his brother's excitement.

For now, I am getting through this Christmas Eve one moment at a time, and trying to be grateful for all I do have.